Lame-O

Today is lame because I am sick. Note that I: 1) hate hearing other people cough, 2) hate listening to other people complain about feeling bad, 3) forget each time I'm sick how fucking depressed it makes me. So, today is mega lame because I am all of the above, and I don't feel any better even after being home for a full day and a half, mostly just sleeping and being a waste of life.

I almost cried about missing my grandmother today. I do miss her, and I am entitled to cry, but I pride myself on being stronger than that. Until, of course, I cry, and then I hate myself for the self-induced headache. Fuck that.

Probably this illness is self-induced, too. I went to E City last weekend to visit Emelia (a week ago exactly), stepping out for 3 days of the warm, blustery cocoon of my city to subject myself willingly to really, really cold temperatures that I was wholly unprepared for. Fuck that. The weekend was incredible, and I truly feel I gained some insights into myself that I'm grateful for, but I also chose to inundate my system with substances: waaaay too many cigarettes, sugar, high gravity alcohol, weed, and probably worst (but BEST) of all, Ecstasy.

Oh. My. God. I fucking love Ecstasy. These pills, pink stamped with a dolphin, have been sitting in my naughty box (which also holds some dried shrooms, bags of weed, herbal marijauna, like, 3 (?) pieces, a grinder, some lighters...ya know, typical goodies. My condoms and sex toys get their own naughty drawer.) for exactly one year and gosh, it was time to take them already. What a prime opportunity, then, in E City with one of my besties from college (who happens to be pretty open to drugs, for which I'm eternally grateful because I don't have anyone else like that in my life, basically), in the city where house music was born.

So we took them on Friday, after having spent the day walking, seeing sights, eating sugar, basically not resting at all...we took them on empty stomachs at 9:30. We rolled, hard, until we finally forced ourselves to bed at 6:00 am. During the course of the night, I smoked probably 3 cigarettes, and continued to smoke them the rest of the weekend as I came down, hard. I sort of feel like I'm still coming down.

The flip side of ecstasy is sickness, depression, and lack of motivation. Also, a desire to recapture that feeling, which is impossible and only chemically induced.

Or, I need to have sex.

Anyway, this is what the night felt like. It was incredible. If I could capture that feeling in a bottle and drink from it...oh, who am I kidding, all the damn time, I would be so happy. More evidence: I love drugs.

And my body apparently doesn't. So, to honor both my body's and my mind's needs, I'm going to take a long bathshower (a hot bath followed by a shower. A water indulgence, I recognize this.), break out my vibrator if I have the energy, watch an episode of Glee, and knock back some hydrocodone to sleep restfully tonight, because, unfortunately, skipping work tomorrow is really not an option.

Lame-O.

xoxo
Gillian