Desperate Action

Not truly an act of desperation, because the ends are really only a continuation of my prolonged, self-inflicted, immature tortuous activities, but an action that is inherently desperate.

I speak of my choice to open up my work computer (a foul, foul infringement, I believe, of my personal time, this work thing) solely for the purpose of seeing if my crush? obsession? soul-rendering consumption? is online. And you know what? He is.

HE IS.

How inappropriate would it be for me to open up a chat with him? What if he chats with me (he won't, damn him, he's so professionally reserved)? Why is my heart literally thumping out of my chest at the thought? What kind of maniac deranged single-minded idiot am I to be so freaking hung up on this fellow? Yes, he's damn near perfect. I was moist all day due to our reinvigorated conversation today. I mean literally, my entire body goes into hyperdrive at the mere thought of him. I am literally quivering just at the sight of his name in my iChat.

All I can think is that desperate action must be taken to cease what is currently deluded nonsense. I need to slap my own self silly. Now I'm not going to be able to sleep my loins are so keyed up. [Inherent problem: my loins are so entertwined with my mind that when my clit can't sleep, neither can I. My stomach is unfortunately also tuned into that channel. Sigh.]

So what do I want from all this? This is a question that I can't seem to answer. I'm convinced I'm head over heels for this man. Problem is, until I get to test that theory, I'll never know. He's taken. BUT he's elusive. He's enigmatic. He's mature. He's gentle, kind, considerate. He's devastating. But he's also completely unavailable to me. Me, being me, and pretty much incapable of resisting my impulses, I'll keep taunting him and myself, without ever conclusively solving the issue.

There's also the part where I'm afraid, as I am with everyone, that I'm going to annoy him. What if he doesn't want me bothering him? But what if he does?

GAH. Consumed. I imagine I won't solve any big mysteries tonight. And I'll probably give in and chat with him. Maybe I'll resist.

I hoped this would calm me down, getting my thoughts from head down on paper, thereby relieving my brain from the pressure of unrelenting thinking about him....apparently not. FML.

xoxo,
Gillian